The damage is too unbearable – part one

Me, Lee Sue Seng, decided to write this true story that happened to me. This story is also dedicated to a lady that used to be close to me for 18 months, and she is gone from me forever. This story is most likely about me, and it is a confession of guilt that will be the greatest lesson in my life. The story is much easier if it begins with below pictures:

 
 

    

 

All pictures seem normal, but she’s not my girlfriend. She is my ex and she was attached/married. We used to have flirty messages between May 2015, a month before I was assigned to Penang until August 2015. The fact that we back into contact since we were separated was somehow caused by my own. It was Friday, and I went to Desa Park City sport center to have my racquet stringing as it will be used on the next badminton night. The process basically need 2 hours, as there are few racquets to be done. By the time the racquet is handed, I planned to head back to home and come back after 2 hours. Coincidence, my car’s battery was dead. I called few people to help me. I called my bro, Simon and also one of my friends who work in workshop, George. Somehow, luck was not on my side, I need 2 hours before George able to help after he called back. As there is 2 hours to be waited, I browsed through my contact list, I somehow decided to called my ex and chat a few words, having a thought to tell her that I will be heading to Penang. Knowing she is around the area, I ask her to drop by Desa Park City to have a farewell yum cha session, and somehow she was okay. Everything was normal, until a moment where I asked “what if I put my hand your hand?”. Yes, I admit I am playful and jerk, but somehow she pulled off her hand before I am able to do so. It was purely a playful act, but it was the beginning where all the things gone wrong.

On 7 August, a week after my gf and I back from Hong Kong, a WhatsApp pops up and it was my ex, asking me how was the HK trip. She knew my HK trip during our very last meet up at DPC. All conversation was recorded as above, and it contents some explicit and sexual-intended flirty messages. In other words, it’s called sexting. I admitted that it was for fun, but I never have a single thought of having sexual affair with her. However, for a normal girl who read this, it is hard to believe for what we had not done. It was filled by disgusting and filthy piece of shit, what could be more my own girlfriend will think? The conversation itself has a huge destruction power, which could permanently damage a heart of a girl who put her whole heart in me. I have labelled myself as a bastard, a person who lied to my own girlfriend, not the first time, second time, or third time. It was the fourth time. All chances are given, and yet, I chose to lie to her. The first, second and third time was a different girl, and it is same scenario where I had flirty messages with her, but never meet up. It’s a mentally/emotionally contact, yet no physical contact. For my gf, it considered worse than physical betrayal, because it leave a thorn inside her heart forever. I am not only betrayed her, but I have broken my trust again and again, and again.

Confronting the truth she showed me, I have no words to say. From day 1 my ex contacted me back, I have no intentions to delete the whole conservation, which is same happened for the first three times. The reason I did not deleting the WhatApps, is not I am being careless and forgot to delete, it is because from my idiotic mind, I feel it is not necessary because I thought it was just for fun, and as long as there is no physical contact, I have nothing to hide, and this is why I have been caught for 4 times. I could have deleted the messages, if I wanted to, but I didn’t. I knew someday my gf will check my phone, but my reluctant to delete the WhatsApp, would have sufficient enough to get myself killed right now. I was playing with fire, and finally, the fire got me. I guess by looking at the conversation, no one will believe (except some of my closest friend who see the conversation) it was just for killing time and for fun, it sounded like there is a sex scandal is going on. All these consequences will definitely cost a lot, which included being beaten up, stabbed, slashed, killed, car smashed, head smashed, lost job, and house vandalism.

That night, I witnessed my gf cried with my own eyes. I am too terrible as I caused her asthma strikes back. I made her suffocated and fall on the ground. I made her struggle from me. I forced her to the level that she couldn’t take it anymore. The damage is too unbearable.  I am not only hurt her, but I pissed her off by deleting all her tablet stuffs, which including the video regarding the conversation. Frankly, I may have grab her phone by brute force and crash it, but it just never happened because, it will definitely worsen the situation, as the fault is on my side. It will be useless…and it is going to be absolutely pointless at that moment. I calmed down, and handed back to her, and caused her head injured by accidently knocking her head on the wall. It was really bad. For what I have done, is all wrong. I caused her to lose all important notes and payments as I formatted her tablet. There is no way she could forgive and forget what had happened. The only way I could do, is to accept whatever words she throw to me.

Perhaps I do not have to write all this up. This whole thing might look a made up story, or it could make the whole situation even worse, but I do not have to hide anything for myself anymore. I am not seeking for any forgiveness, but to learn what is supposed to do and what is not. If this article is being shared, I do not mind, because the moment I write this, I already prepare myself for anything. Mentally/emotional betrayal or physical betrayal is a betrayal end of the day. It doesn’t seem to have any differences. I ready to have the karma. For whatever happened, it will reflect back to myself. Everything happened for a reason and it just the matter of time.

Love is a decision, the moment I choose her, means I decided. At one time, I really thought we would/ we could be able to go through this period. But this time, it’s her decision not to love me anymore. Simply means, I am going to lose her forever...

to be continued..